Introduction to the journey

Here's the really short version of the facts of my journey through recovery.

When I was 14, I developed an eating disorder. The name of the eating disorder is ED-NOS, which stands for Eating Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified. Basically that means my behaviors and bodily functions didn't qualify me for any specific eating disorder, although I engaged in behaviors characteristic of any you may or may not have heard of - anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge-eating disorder, even some aspects of orthorexia and maybe a run-in or two with PICOS symptoms. I struggled with no fitting in to any specific category, but that's a story for another time.

I struggled on an off with my eating disorder for several years, sometimes believing I had recovered, only to relapse later. I started reading things that led me to believe it would always be that way - recovery and then relapse, recovery and then relapse. I started to feel that recovery may not be worth it if it was always going to be followed by a relapse. I also struggled with OCD tendencies and pretty severe depression.

Life circumstances were that I was active in my church, dancing competitively, and competing in gymnastics. My dad didn't have a job for a few years at the beginning. When I was 16, I quit gymnastics and started classes at the local community college. I graduated with my Associate's degree at age 19 and headed for a university across the country from home, where I'd been living this whole time.

Living with roommates didn't suit me well with regards to my eating disorder. I felt like I was finally free to abuse myself as much as I wished, and I did. Things got pretty bad my first semester there, and my roommates started to freak out a little bit. In January of that year, to appease my roommates and prevent them from trying to reach out to my parents (who had not been at all supportive of me in this, even though they were supportive and loving in many other ways), I started "getting help."

I didn't actually want to get help. I was convinced I would live with an eating disorder for the rest of my life, so the idea of trying to get help for it seemed pointless. All I wanted was to get my roommates off my back so I could starve myself to death in peace. I went to the college counseling center and got myself a student therapist, and I signed up for their eating disorder support group, which was based loosely on the 12 steps, but with a lot of guidance and assigned mentors who had previously had eating disorders.

The idea that my mentor had recovered from an eating disorder was laughable to me. I was sure she was in recovery and relapse was around the corner for her, like it always had been for me. But I was wrong. As I got to know her that semester, despite my initially cynical attitude, I started to believe that she was really recovered. That made a huge difference for me. So I worked on recovery, and was nearly there by the end of that one semester in the group. When I went home for the summer, I relapsed, but got back on track pretty quickly. I joined a 12 step addiction recovery program at home and kept in contact with my mentor, and by the end of the summer I felt confident that I had achieved true recovery, lasting recovery. I lived without an eating disorder for a semester, then went back to the group the following semester as a mentor. I mentored for two semesters, then moved on.

And I'm still recovered. I've never relapsed since that summer relapse I just mentioned. It's been over 8 years, which is longer than the 6 years I had the eating disorder.

It may be true that some will spend their whole lives protecting themselves from, or succumbing to, relapse. I can't tell anyone's story but mine. But I know that for me, real recovery happened, and that means real recovery is possible, and that's really important to me. I hope it gives as much hope to someone else as it gave to me, once I finally believed it.

The reason for this blog

I used to want to write a book about my journey, the journey of recovery from an eating disorder. I never wrote the book. I didn't know how to make the story of my journey into a book. My journey seemed to non-linear. I cold write the story sequentially, but I'd be sure to leave out important parts and some pieces don't necessarily make much sense when looking at it sequentially. That's why it makes more sense to me now, several years after having lived through it, because I've pieced things together that didn't make sense at the time.

There was also the overwhelming prospect of, supposing I ever did finish writing the book, managing to get it published and "out there" enough to help people. It wasn't a money-making endeavor. I just wanted to be able to share some perspectives that helped me, perspectives that changed my life.

It only recently occurred to me that if I wrote it as a blog instead of a book, all those problems go away. I can write the story by topics. I can rewrite the same part of the story many times in different posts. There's no minimum or maximum page limit. I don't have to get it published. I can share it whenever it seems applicable, and anyone else can share it whenever they want, and no one has to invest any money into it.

So here I am, writing my journey, finally. Enjoy the journey!